And just like that I realized that I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be at just the right time in my life. And that perhaps things aren’t ‘so bad’… maybe it’s simply time to adjust my perspective.
I am ready to grow.
I am ready to learn.
I am ready to stop living in fear and start being bold. Are you with me??
Have you ever struggled with this? What are some ways that you choose to be bold? I’d love to hear about your experiences.
I found myself scribbling helpful tips all over what used to be my office, but is now his. I wanted him to have a space to create, a place to dream like I once had. I jotted down silly things like little secrets about the house that he may not know.. like how to get the bedroom window open just right so it didn’t get too cold. I left him one of two matching chairs we always planned to sit in, and the key on the table we got together.
I felt hot tears skip off my concealer I only use when I have a cold. The heat was pounding on every inch of my body — the sun had lost all empathy. I felt numb, and I began to worry that maybe, just maybe…. So had I.
Suddenly my girlfriend honked the horn and yelled “Bailey! Lets go!” It was louder than I remember it being. And I couldn’t even believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. Here I was again, packing up my wee car & leaving a dream I once dreamt.
I hopped in the car and said thank you to the best of my sniffling-ability to my girlfriend who had offered to drive home (& also ended up helping me pack my belongings) We got gas and I didn’t dare take my glasses off when I paid for it.
As we drove away in the sunset I strapped the most fabulous headwrap I owned around my messy hair, smeared on my most sassy lipstick and kissed my window. I had to at least try to be okay for the ride home. Kerry taught me that day that driving while crying can be dangerous — I was so thankful for her support.
When I got home I went straight to the shower. I stared at myself in the mirror — I looked like hell. My mascara ran a big deep black line from here to Arkansas bleeding from both eyes. I was scared. I was exhausted. And hungry, too, god damnit. But I could not be in denial any longer, it would only make things harder. I wiped the old makeup from my left eye and accepted the fact that I had officially announced war against heartbreak. And I didn’t have a clue what to do next.
You had me second guess myself so many times that I’d be surprised to find a single doubt within if you asked me to look today. You led me astray more times than I chose to count. I fell flat on my face but I didn’t ever give up. My phone bill teetered towards overage charges for the first time since high school; I sobbed to my mum so many times our plan couldn’t keep up, yet somehow she always did. It’s been since I said farewell to my childhood that my lips have trembled like they did during this month. I crumbled in situations that I’d usually be holding down.
And sometimes, if the stars aligned just right, I’d be at the end of a gut-wrenching day doing my best to catch my breath & I would suddenly find myself in an opulent moment. After letting those sporadic moments of bliss amongst blur confuse me for a while, I started using them as fuel: I knew if I consistently fought until I couldn’t anymore I’d start to see results. Slowly but surely, things began making sense.
April, I know we didn’t always see eye to eye, but our 30 days of trial & error together splashed color on my white walls & infused a deep appreciation within. Thank you for kicking me in the ass even though I was usually still trying to get up from the last time. And, thank you for teaching me how to be strong even when I am alone. I reached out to my incredible loved ones a lot, to say the least, but whenever a new situation arose I had to learn to adjust (still learning how)
I guess I’ve decided that a firm reality check isn’t always the sweetest cup of tea, but it sure does make a pretty little promise — that this too shall pass, and when it does, you will be stronger.
All my love until we meet again next year, xoxo, your little warrior
“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.” (Sonnet XCVIII) -William Shakespeare